Yesterday was our final Creative Meditation and Buddhism meeting of 2009. Slightly sad, but at least we’ve only 4 weeks without it as term starts on 11th January.

So today we discussed revelations. We talked a bit about mind chatter and the five things that hold us back:

Sloth (torpor), Craving (desire), Anger (ill-will), Restlessness (anxiety) and Doubt.

This weekend I had a pretty hard-hitting revelation. In fact, I spent my weekend in dukkha; in unease. I gave myself a whopping panic attack, spiralling down to almost bottom. I haven’t been that scared in a few years. With hindsight, I see where I could have just pulled myself right out of it; but didn’t. I wasn’t aware, mindful to that possibility at the time. It was good to express this during our session and get feedback. Hopefully I’ll recognise it next time and be able to act.

This is week I’ve ticked off a couple of items from my 101 list, which makes me happy. I’m also starting to edit the look of my page. You’ll notice the space theme’s disappeared. I’m hoping to finish the edit ready for the new year, so please be patient..

Speaking of the approaching New Year I’m reflecting on some possible words for focus. At the moment I have two main words I’m choosing between,  however, there’s one lesson I feel I would benefit in learning pretty soon too. It was mentioned in the book I read in September: F**k it: the ultimate spiritual way, by John Parkin. It’s a bit nihilistic, I’ll admit, but one phrase really spoke to me.

It’s safe to be in pain” ~ P138

I don’t think about it consciously, but I’m a highly anxious person. I’ll walk out of a situation (buying a t-shirt, talking to friends, a lecture, a seminar, getting of a bus, going to the bathroom) and instantly focus on the tiniest thing I see as “wrong” that I did in that situation. These are things most other people don’t even realise. Karasu said today that I didn’t talk excessively; that I was fine, just being my usual bubbly self. However, my first thought as I left the room was to berate myself for that very action; for my stupidity and selfishness.

So I’m thinking something along the lines of “I’m safe no matter how anxious/stupid/angry I feel” may be beneficial. “Safety”.

However, the other two words feel just as important to me right now. So I’m following the example of Emily Long and using a hat. I went to write down my three possible words and ended up writing 14. Oops.

So I’m thinking I may just pull one out tonight, because the idea of waiting weeks and weeks to do it is driving me crazy, and that’s hardly setting off to a great start with the practise. I’ve even prepared the paper for my little reminder sign, where I’ll write the word ready to see it daily.

I’d love to hear about your words/resolutions. Do you have any special way of picking them, do you focus on just one, on a set number, such as three, or as many as you think of come midnight on December 31st?



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