Darkly Fey has a post about resistance over at her blog which got me thinking. And wondering if this lack of motivation I’ve been mentioning lately has some form of resistance to it. I’m constantly trying to form and change my inner self. And also change the outer self, in separate ways. To act confident and calm and cool on the outside while still feeling the depths of compassion, my inner light and power; while still allowing my poet out and not lying to myself about being confident when I’m not.
I don’t really need my three years of Psychology training to decide that perhaps, working for two opposing goals may hinder my progress in both visions.
Darkly states in her post that some of her “attempts at thriving backfired because [she] wasn’t ready”.
I have a feeling that this is at least one facet of the issue with impatience. I want to be ready and perfect now. I want to be happy with myself in the now; in the present moment. I don’t want to be the young woman who struggles due to hormones and new situations; because she’s young and still creating her personality. I want to be the 30 year old woman with a husband and kids. I want that stability so much. I don’t want to party, to discover and travel the world; I want to learn and love, to laugh and teach. To thrive and to be.
But I want to be her; that woman who looks like me but has control of her emotions, who has an eloquence of her being and meets the challenges of life with her husband. It’s a romantic image and certainly an unrealistic state without any active work towards it.
In all the romance of novels that I’ve read [Nora Roberts], there’s this incessant need between the couple; which is what allows them to so say with true conviction that no-one will ever love the other like they do. I know there’s a life in books and the life that is.
And yet I still want the romantic scenes of overcoming issues together. I don’t think it’ll be easy and I know it’ll cause a lot of heartache and I’ll change so dramatically both when I enter that stage and as I go through it. I know we’ll argue and we’ll cry; but isn’t that half the fun, half the point? To grow and learn and change together? To face the hurdles; creating a stronger foundation?
I hope I can learn to be more patient before entering it so that I will be able to deal with those changes at least somewhat more smoothly than I would now. I know I’m not ready. I don’t think when emotional; I don’t consider the consequences of certain actions and I don’t know how to be myself.
So why is the want; that image which I know will take effort if I’m ever to achieve it, so difficult to work towards? How does one begin to change themselves in such a way; especially when their foundation is built on a past of negativity?
My guess is awareness; and then a clearing of the closet; some alternatives. Could I walk away from an argument without having the last word? Could I breathe and count to ten before speaking? To, as Darkly put it, start “clearing out the garbage I’d collected after childhood”.
Today I plan to really clear up my room. I want a simpler life and that involves getting rid of the junk cluttering my space. If my top three priorities include meditation, yoga and dance; I need some space in which to practise those. It’s no wonder I don’t want to do half these things when it involves tidying up a space of floor before I even begin.
If you have any advice on patience, on re-programming your mind, motivating yourself or on clearing mental clutter, please leave a comment and let me know. (=