-sigh- It’s summer. The temperatures, here in Southern England are now about 90F. The heat is stifling. With the indoor cats, We can only open our windows in certain rooms, with the doors shut.* It’s boiling in here. But tonight, thing’s are pleasant. My bedroom door’s shut, my incense is burning and the windows are wide open. I can hear traffic, obviously as cars not 15 metres away are doing 75-80 miles an hour; but I can also hear Jays. I’ve some pretty music on, and I’m still in the process of unpacking my stuff from University.
I’m looking around and thinking “so much for living frugal”. I know I could live without half this stuff, but may need it in the future. Some are just sentiment. It connects me to my memories.
Connection is a big word for me today.
It’s no longer June, but I think I can class this as a Pagan Values Blogging Month post regardless. I did start it yesterday.
My best connections are barefoot on stone, wind in my face, the ocean sounds and smells; sunlight and stars.
I feel authentic when I dance, sing, draw, paint or play the keyboard.
I feel free when I read and when I write.
Lately I’ve been noticing this disconnection we barely attend to. Two weeks back, at my last meditation class, we did a Body Scan. This is a form of meditation where you focus on each body part and analyse how it feels. Is your foot feeling cold or hot, relaxed or strained, is there any pain or tingling? This was our exercise at my final meditation class and I really struggled with it. The idea of just focusing on how I’m feeling terrified me. I felt really squeamish.
Similarly; when I’ve a free hour, I can’t just sit down and read. I need to tidy my room, check on the washing machine, work out what’s for dinner, write up notes from the days lectures. Last week, my friend ‘S’ slept over in my University room. He asked why I didn’t turn off my music. The idea startled me.
It’s almost as though the idea of being able to hear my own thoughts terrifies me.
Is this just a fear of change? Or something deeper?
Is connecting with my body so scary when I’m happy to connect with the earth?
I’ve just had to refill my glass of water. I can’t just read a book or just watch television anymore. I revised for my exams with Pride and Prejudice in the background, I walk through nature with my mp3 player on.
It’s as though we’d feel we weren’t being efficient if we immersed ourselves in one thing (such as meditation). I’m pretty sure I’m not completely alone in this; but I have noticed a large increase in this phenomena in my own behaviour in just the last year.
Does anyone know how to minimise this? I guess making specific quiet times to do nothing would be a start; but I just can’t bring myself to do that. (wow that sounds little pathetic, doesn’t it?)
On a separate note, I’m off to Ireland early Saturday morning (like 5am, gah) so won’t be posting for a week. I won’t have a choice there; I’ll only have books with me :). Here’s hoping I can start a new habit there.
Stars Above and Moon Bless,
* I’d like to point out they’ve only ever been indoor cats; Wilma actually shrieks and runs back inside when we try to take her out on a harness and lead. She’s terrified of the outside world; and the motorway link road is about.. 4 metres behind our back garden. They’re happy as indoor cats and we take Willow out on a harness and lead regularly.